Cinahilger's Blog


I guess we’ll see.

Good morning.

Actually, it’s almost noon. But daylight savings time has me all confused.

Lately I’ve been thinking about  marriage. A lot of my friends are getting married. It appears to be a big fad right now.

Maybe I’ll get married some day. I think it would be nice, you know, to always have someone to dance with at wedding receptions.

Right now though, I’m not really dating anyone. I’m not even interested in anyone.

I was talking with someone the other day, and they were talking about how it’s important not to have too high of standards..how its better to get out there and meet people before you’re too old or too ugly or have too many cats and take too few showers.

But honestly, I don’t buy it. I’ve dated two people, and I eventually realized I didn’t want to marry either of them. And I’ve met a lot of guys lately, since school has started back up, but none of them are the kind of person I would marry. I guess that is what you might call high standards.

What is wrong with high standards? I think the fact that I have “high standards” speaks to how content I am to be single. I am very happy just the way I am, and I don’t want to ruin it by trying to make a relationship work with the wrong person. The only way I would date someone is if I was convinced that letting that person into the innermost part of my heart would improve who I am, would bring me closer to God.

Neither of the relationships I have been in worked out. I am much happier now that I am taking my strength from Him instead. And it’s not that either of the people I dated were bad people.

I don’t want my life to be motivated by whether or not I’m single, because then any relationship I am in isn’t about glorifying God, it’s about having a boyfriend. And men are all well and nice, but their love isn’t perfect. I can’t expect the person I’m dating to save me, to make my life feel complete, because that isn’t their job. That job belongs to Christ.

It would be nice to have someone to dance with at weddings, someone with whom to create children. But I can’t lean my heart upon the hopes of a marriage and a family, because unless I’m focused on Christ, that marriage and that family will crumble. Unless I am drinking in the love of the one who is love, I can’t expect to create a marriage full of love.

Does any of this make sense? I guess we’ll see.


Five years ago

Over five years ago I wrote this entry in a different blog, and it is still true to this day. I am glad I found it.

I’ve already decided I can’t explain it fully with the written word, but I’m going to try to put it down in text anyway, because tonight I am just so thankful. I am so, so blessed. 

I’m so, so blessed to have such wonderful and caring friends, and to have such a wonderful family. 
I’m so, so blessed to be able to pour out my heart in art, in music, or in the written word. 
I’m so, so blessed to be in a relationship with such a kind, God-centered man. (Edit: a man who I am no longer with. Just thought I’d clear that up 🙂

I’ve been such a bad, apathetic, unfocused person in my lifetime and God has shown me so much patience and grace. I cannot begin to fathom why God has shown such love to me, yet it is so extremely obvious that He does. I don’t deserve any of this adamant mercy and love. My heart is crying out to Him with love and adoration and thanks, but I can’t express it. I just can’t. No drawing or painting can manage to express, no poetry can quite resonate how I feel.

And I should always feel this way, but I know that I won’t. I know some small inconvenience will be thrown my way and I will be desperate. And in my desperation I will act disgracefully. And in my disgrace I will turn a blind eye to Him and resent my situation and dismiss, at least for the moment, my Savior.

But I want to remember how I feel right now, as I watch the snow come down outside my window. I want to remember that I am always blessed such as I am now. I want to acknowledge that it is only my cracked and dry heart that refuses to see the blessings that pour out of Him.

I don’t deserve this love bestowed upon me, but I need it more than this breath I draw in.


Today is today

Today, today. Today is the first day of the new semester. I really like this first day of the new semester, because I only have one class and it’s not until 2:30 in the afternoon. And it is Intermediate Ceramics, which I am excited about. And afterwards I get to get coffee with my friend Jared.

This may or may not be the first semester in which I do not feel completely overwhelmed or anxious about a new semester starting. I’m just ready to do this thing. All summer long I was up at the crack of dawn, and so it’s not really too much different for me to just jump into a school year of early mornings.

I’m a little melancholy because of the fact that I am the only intern in the Rivercrest internship program who isn’t heading up to the black hills today for a backpacking expedition. Stupid school! It just so happens that I’m also the only intern who is still in college. All the other ones are bonding, hiking, and having fun without me. And here I am in boring old Lincoln.

It’s not so bad though, considering. I may be able to go on some of the other trips, and the sooner I can get this degree finished, the sooner I can feel like a real grown-up.

But anyway! Today. Today today today. Today, the sun is shining through the leaves of the vine on my windowsill. Today, a big truck spewing black smoke is just outside, dumping tar to repair the parking lot. Today, I finally perfected making coffee in my french press, and today I finished reading the book of Daniel.

Today, my room is still messy. My hair still needs cutting. My trash still needs emptied.

Today is the day the Lord has made.


Of parable and scripture

Some of my favorite bible-y parts, as requested by a friend 🙂

I love the book of 1st John.

I love the books of Colossians and Timothy 1 and 2

I love Psalms 90 through 101, I used to read them to my campers who would have bad dreams so they could get to sleep easier 🙂

I love Romans chapter 12 in it’s entirety

I love Matthew chapter 23 in it’s entirety (I love any portion of the gospels in which Jesus is criticizing religious leaders)

 

Now here are some verses that are underlined in my bible!

Psalm 16:11 :”You will make known to me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; In Your right hand there are pleasures forever”

Isaiah 43: 1-4:  “But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, ‘Do not be afraid for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty,  you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I gave Egypt as a ransom for your freedom; I gave Ethiopia and Seba in your place. Others were given in exchange for you. I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you.'”

Jeremiah 29: 11-13: “‘For I know the plans I have for you’ says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.”

Luke 6:31: “Jesus answered them, ‘Healthy people do not need a doctor-sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners and need to repent.”

Luke 17:33: “If you cling to your life, you will lose it. And if you let your life go, you will save it.”

Romans 6:5,6: “Since we have been united with Him in his death, we will also be raised to life as he was. We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose it’s power in our lives”

Romans 14: 17-18: “For the Kingdom of God is not a matter of what we eat or drink, but of living a life of goodness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. If you serve Christ with this attitude you will please God, and others will approve of you, too.”

Romans 15:22: “..Blessed are those who don’t feel guilty for doing something they have decided is right”

1st Corinthians 10:13: “The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.”

2nd Corinthans 3:17: “For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”

Philippians 4:6: “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.”

Colossians 2:8: “Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than Christ. For in Christ lives all the fullness of God in a human body.”

 

 

 


Well, this is awkward.

Hey….hey there.

I feel like I should explain about the long absence. I’ve been so so busy, truly. Let me catch you up to speed on my life.

I finished the school year out, spent a good three weeks packing and making lists and buying things, then shipped out to Camp Rivercrest where I am a program activities person. I’ve been here for a little over two months, and get to use the internet about once a week, and usually then for only a half hour or so.

It’s actually been a great experience. This is my seventh year in this little spot in the woods. I’ve climbed the ladder from dish washer to assistant cook to counselor..and now I’m basically in charge of their dirt bikes program, since I’m the only one on program staff with any kind of mechanical background. I’m loving it, because I get to get greasy and increase my bike riding and fixing experience. I also get really awkward tan line from standing in a big open field all day teaching kids how to ride under the hot sun. All the other program staff have jobs in the forest, but not I. I toil under the vast Nebraska sky and watch hawks and crop dusters alike wheel overhead.

It’s going to be quite difficult to go back to living in the city. This happens every year, but this year especially so, because this year I spent so much more time outside. And I love it, truly I do.

I have felt a shifting in my heart this summer, and I’ve felt God opening up an avenue for my future that I have never before considered. Although I am three semesters away from my Art Ed degree, I am feeling drawn to a career in camp leadership. I still love art and would love to teach it, but working in camp ministry would fulfill some of the other things I’ve always wanted from my life.

I’ve always wanted to live my life in a place where I can marvel at the outdoors. I always thought the answer to that would be to become a farmer, but the financial insecurity and complete lifestyle switch of farming is something I’m not prepared to undertake. However if I make my living at a camp, I get to experience that, the marvelling in God’s creation. I get to toil under a vast blue sky.

This fall I am taking part in a part-time internship with Rivercrest, and during this time I hope to become more experienced in how a camp is run from the managerial, leadership side of things. I also hope to find out what part of camp ministry I am most suited to working in, whether it be programming or promoting or activities. I’m pretty excited about it. For once, I’m excited about my future and seeing what God has in store.

I should probably go now, it’s almost dinner time and I’ve spent enough time on the internet as it is. Goodbye!


Friday, friday

Good morning.

It is foggy and rainy. The only sound I hear is the dull roar of the huge refridgerators behind me as I sit at the Grind.

For it is Friday, and on Fridays I work a nine-hour shift of pure boredom here at America’s most Obscure and Lackluster Coffee Bar.

On top of that, it is Good Friday. The day that we celebrate (or commemorate, perhaps?) the death of Jesus. Sunday morning he’ll rise again. What a beautiful story.

I don’t really have any reason to write today, except that I felt I was being neglectful of my journalling duties. Now I’ve fulfilled that and it’s time to go do something else!


You can’t get any more hardcore than Jesus.

It is April, it is Saturday, it is beautiful outside.

I am sitting at the Mill underneath the beautiful fig tree in the window, and every time I look at it’s sappy leafy branches I say a little prayer that my fig tree at home will someday be this big an happy looking. Mine’s a little sad at the moment, but I’m working on correcting my horticultural mistakes.

I really don’t have anything to complain about right now. I shouldn’t complain anyway. I was reading in 2nd Timothy this morning, and whenever I read one of those books that Paul wrote I always feel bad about how much I stress out about my life. If I was one of Timothy’s friends I think he would be mad at me, because I’d write him letters that were a lot different than Paul’s. For example:

Dear Timothy,

How are things in Ephesus? I’m just here in America chilling at my parent’s house. Lately I’ve been feeling pretty down on myself and a little tired of living my life for Christ. It’s just so hard sometimes, and I don’t want my friends to judge me. They would totally judge me. Anyway, I have to go, Say Yes to the Dress is on. Looove that show!

Christina

Meanwhile Paul would be writing him letters like:

Dear Timothy,

How are you? I hope things are going well, and you’re still in love with Jesus and following Him. I’m doing pretty good, all of my friends abandoned me and I’m in a jail in Asia being tortured because of my faith in God. But it’s alright because my soul still belongs to Jesus. I was just wondering, could you bring me some things? I’m going to die soon. Say hi to everyone in Ephesus for me!

-Paul

See what I mean? Timothy would probably get Paul’s letter and my letter at the same time, and he’d open Paul’s first (obviously, wouldn’t you?) and read it, and he’d have to sit down when he got to the part about Paul being in jail in Asia. Then after he sat there and stared into space for awhile, thinking about how Paul wanted him to come to Asia and how he was dying, he would realize he was holding my unopened letter. Then he’d open it, and probably find it pretty disgusting. He’d probably just throw it in the fireplace and go tell his wife that he was going to Asia.

2nd Timothy is a good book. I like all of the letters from Paul to different places. Paul was a pretty amazing guy, and I’m glad we have all of his letters. God obviously knew what He was doing when he wanted Paul to write letters. I bet Paul didn’t know that 2000 years later I’d read his letters to Timothy and write about it on my laptop in this coffee shop. (He probably would’ve been like laptop? Coffee? Shop?)

Speculation is fun. I like the Bible. I like Paul. He’s my favorite person in the bible. Besides Jesus, that is.

You can’t get any more hardcore than Jesus.


Of twist and turn, trial and tribulation.

Today I am desperately clinging to the last few shreds of spring break. I am also scrambling to get all of the homework done which I staved off until today, this last day.

But surprisingly, I have pretty much all of it done. I skipped church on this most momentous of days, worked on homework, got some lunch and ran to my parents to photograph a couple of the paintings I gave to them (for my portfolio project, due Tuesday) and now I am taking a moment to breathe at the Mill. It is a strange day, today. At once trying to savor the last moments of break while simultaneously easing my mind into the realization that work resumes tomorrow morn.

However, only 5 weeks remain of this semester. That is my mantra. Five more weeks, I tell myself as I turn off my alarm at 5:15 am. Five more weeks, I remind myself as my egotistical teacher makes it clear she doesn’t like me. Five more weeks. Five. More. Weeks.

Yet at the same time I don’t want to get into the habit of just simply coasting and surviving until the next break. My life is lived in between breaks, my life is lived at 5:30 a.m. when I turn on the bathroom light and am instantly blinded. My life is lived when I pray for patience and love and a good attitude through the next class with my troublesome teacher. My life is lived when I stress, unwind, let go, take up responsiblity, take up my cross daily for Him.

So, in short, bring on today with it’s complex emotions. Bring on tomorrow with it’s trials. And let me never forget to thank the One Who makes each day new.


Worth

When I feel the judgement of another human being cast upon me, it throws me into retrospection and I retreat into my own self-image.

I am, to the world, an extremely happy and carefree person. And I will admit to a curiously strong love of cerain things in life. Lying in the grass, climbing trees, playing in the rain, reading funny stories, sad stories, true stories, fake stories. It’s not that I’m unhappy, because I know that I am blessed with so so much, from the sunshine and the winds of summer to the absolute quiet of a snowy winter night. However if there is one thing in my life which I do not find value in, it is in myself.

I remember when I was taking the train to California last summer-one year ago Sunday-and I woke before dawn and dragged my blanket and a cup of coffee into the empty observation car, completely composed of windows. As I sat and drank my coffee and read my bible, the sun came up over the Nevada desert and the white-topped mountains rising up out of it. It was so beautiful that I snapped off about a dozen pictures right there in my seat. And as I read my bible while travelling through the splendor, I came to the passage in Matthew.

“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?” (Matthew 6:26)

God created all of the amazing beauty of this world, and yet of all the things He created, he loves ME the most. Of all the things in that beautiful desert that morning on the train, I was the thing that God looked at and said “and here is my best work.”

You know, I don’t think we spend nearly enough time under the realization of how valuable we are to God. I know I certainly don’t. If anything is my downfall, it is the constant plague of the belief that I am worthless, and the things that this belief drives me to do. My mission is to remember daily that who I am isn’t who I am to the world.

“Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.”
-Brennan Manning


Why I am terrible.

There has been a horrific disaster in Japan. And it’s horrible, but every time I see some more footage of the calamity over there, I think to myself, “Damn, I wish I could take a trip there and eat some sushi”.

Yup, I’m pretty shallow.