Cinahilger's Blog

Five years ago

Over five years ago I wrote this entry in a different blog, and it is still true to this day. I am glad I found it.

I’ve already decided I can’t explain it fully with the written word, but I’m going to try to put it down in text anyway, because tonight I am just so thankful. I am so, so blessed. 

I’m so, so blessed to have such wonderful and caring friends, and to have such a wonderful family. 
I’m so, so blessed to be able to pour out my heart in art, in music, or in the written word. 
I’m so, so blessed to be in a relationship with such a kind, God-centered man. (Edit: a man who I am no longer with. Just thought I’d clear that up 🙂

I’ve been such a bad, apathetic, unfocused person in my lifetime and God has shown me so much patience and grace. I cannot begin to fathom why God has shown such love to me, yet it is so extremely obvious that He does. I don’t deserve any of this adamant mercy and love. My heart is crying out to Him with love and adoration and thanks, but I can’t express it. I just can’t. No drawing or painting can manage to express, no poetry can quite resonate how I feel.

And I should always feel this way, but I know that I won’t. I know some small inconvenience will be thrown my way and I will be desperate. And in my desperation I will act disgracefully. And in my disgrace I will turn a blind eye to Him and resent my situation and dismiss, at least for the moment, my Savior.

But I want to remember how I feel right now, as I watch the snow come down outside my window. I want to remember that I am always blessed such as I am now. I want to acknowledge that it is only my cracked and dry heart that refuses to see the blessings that pour out of Him.

I don’t deserve this love bestowed upon me, but I need it more than this breath I draw in.


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